When was the last time you tried your best to salvage an already broken relationship? OR made some offers to an employee who had decided to leave the corporate world for good but YOU wanted him to be there...Even in a tricky situation like an ailing person on the anvil of death who wants nothing but peace to breathe the last few moments, we try and hold on. Why do we do so?
In work or personal relationships it is difficult for us to let go off a person. Many a times in a marriage when two people cannot even bear to see each other eye to eye, they HOLD ON and claim that they are salvaging the sanctity of the institution of marriage. At work, if a person clearly declares his choice of leaving, we again try to make him offers to stay back which may or may not be lucrative or worth a consideration. Whether he takes it up or not is an entirely different issue. The question here is why do we try to hold on?
One major reason could be the way we are brought up. If a person is independent and wishes to live life on his own terms, he is looked upon as person who does not care enough for the people around him. If two people in a marriage are not compatible, they cannot comfortably separate because of social stigma saying “ 2 people who seek divorce cannot really sustain a relationship” and hence can never make good parents if they separate. Whoever said that living under one roof was testimony to a healthy relationship and much healthier upbringing needs a new perspective.
Our concern then is the superficiality and not the core, we look at quantity and not quality. For example: Measure for a successful relationship whether work or personal is the no. of years one has lived or shall I say learnt to live with the other. However damaging it may be for one’s personal growth, a child between 2 incompatible adults is expected to live with them and abide by them. A person who wishes to leave the world in peace is forced in to the pains and further sufferings of getting into an Intensive Care Unit and being treated as another machine, simply because his family members who care for him cannot see him die but cannot even understand that every moment his death being prolonged is like living a million deaths at a time.
From the little experiences that I have had, I see that it is important to sustain but it is also important to let go when required. If we respect a person, we would also respect his decisions indeed. When we care for someone we would care for his wellbeing irrespective of whether we feature in it or not. One of my angels once said to me “ Love is never about holding on, it is more about letting go ..”
At the end of the day, this is what is evident even in nature. You can enjoy and cherish the beauty of things but cannot hold the thing on... try to hold a flower for more than a day or a butterfly, you can but there will be just the skeleton, the spirit gone...
Sunday, May 28, 2006
Sunday, May 21, 2006
I have had enough..a fallacy..at least in my life!
I have had enough..a fallacy..atleast in my life!
Throughout my life till now (mind you I have lived 25 long years) I always had experiences that called for more than the normal from me. Mainly the environment at home made me grow at a pace much faster than my peers. That’s how I registered a gap between my biological and mental age. In those stressful situations when I handled myself I felt like a positive survivor (why positive? Because some people survive by default without liking it). It called for me becoming independent for I could not look upto many elders for advice (they were not given to me in my surroundings for a long time).
Many years later in my teens I started meeting people who wanted me to open up to them and wanted me to feel good by loving me in their own ways in the very little time we met. They helped in their own ways and are angels to me. In the whole process till a few months back, I started subconsciously discounting the advice given to me by elders because I never really learnt to listen to them with 2 adults at my home always quarreling with each other. I began to live in a notion that I understand things much better than they do which was true to quite an extent but may not always be so. I grew up to be matured but also began to make the mistake of equaling people much older than me (older = experienced, right?). In the process, I began just listening to myself and not to anybody else except 1 person who had become a father figure to me.
When I entered the real life job situations, I entered with a confidence that I could handle anything and that I really did not need anybody’s help. I was more of “telling” than “Listening”. I met 2 beautiful people on work who till date are very close to me. They got close to me for the same reasons that I am positive, matured and had goodwill for all. These 2 people were again much elder to me, but we clicked somewhere and well indeed. Over a period of time, as I got more and more love( which I was probably wanting to have), I made some mistakes which I would otherwise preach people not to do. What were they?..Taking them for granted, many a times not involving them in a decision or not even informing certain things which for me was normal because I grew up thinking and acting for myself. With these 2 people so close, I was experiencing a matured relationship for the first time. After having read this, you may think how I call myself matured!! True, isn’t it?
Having had a tough time for many years, I made one mistake of thinking “I have had enough”. With these situations given to me I understood (hope I have) that one can never say “I have had enough” and close himself to learning. One may be good at certain aspects but there’s an ocean of things to be learnt. Those situations given early in my life did help me grow faster but I guess, since I am still alive I have lots more to learn from different beautiful people around me.
The polishing of a diamond never really ends; it is just that it shines enough to make us feel that it has been polished enough. Can the diamond ever know how much has it been polished?
Throughout my life till now (mind you I have lived 25 long years) I always had experiences that called for more than the normal from me. Mainly the environment at home made me grow at a pace much faster than my peers. That’s how I registered a gap between my biological and mental age. In those stressful situations when I handled myself I felt like a positive survivor (why positive? Because some people survive by default without liking it). It called for me becoming independent for I could not look upto many elders for advice (they were not given to me in my surroundings for a long time).
Many years later in my teens I started meeting people who wanted me to open up to them and wanted me to feel good by loving me in their own ways in the very little time we met. They helped in their own ways and are angels to me. In the whole process till a few months back, I started subconsciously discounting the advice given to me by elders because I never really learnt to listen to them with 2 adults at my home always quarreling with each other. I began to live in a notion that I understand things much better than they do which was true to quite an extent but may not always be so. I grew up to be matured but also began to make the mistake of equaling people much older than me (older = experienced, right?). In the process, I began just listening to myself and not to anybody else except 1 person who had become a father figure to me.
When I entered the real life job situations, I entered with a confidence that I could handle anything and that I really did not need anybody’s help. I was more of “telling” than “Listening”. I met 2 beautiful people on work who till date are very close to me. They got close to me for the same reasons that I am positive, matured and had goodwill for all. These 2 people were again much elder to me, but we clicked somewhere and well indeed. Over a period of time, as I got more and more love( which I was probably wanting to have), I made some mistakes which I would otherwise preach people not to do. What were they?..Taking them for granted, many a times not involving them in a decision or not even informing certain things which for me was normal because I grew up thinking and acting for myself. With these 2 people so close, I was experiencing a matured relationship for the first time. After having read this, you may think how I call myself matured!! True, isn’t it?
Having had a tough time for many years, I made one mistake of thinking “I have had enough”. With these situations given to me I understood (hope I have) that one can never say “I have had enough” and close himself to learning. One may be good at certain aspects but there’s an ocean of things to be learnt. Those situations given early in my life did help me grow faster but I guess, since I am still alive I have lots more to learn from different beautiful people around me.
The polishing of a diamond never really ends; it is just that it shines enough to make us feel that it has been polished enough. Can the diamond ever know how much has it been polished?
Sunday, May 07, 2006
It’s there now…it’s not..
It’s there now…it’s not..
Temporary..Unpredictable..Uncertain..Pleasures of life..
Many of us must be passing through these phases of happiness, then pain and then pleasure again. I cannot generalize this statement, for, very few of us realize this and even fewer make it vocal. Some practical men choose to ignore it saying it is a waste of their time and energy to mull over such issues (probably the itch caused by the grey cells gets uncontrollable for them)
Well, jokes apart I have been hearing these temporary truths of life from many a sage and some books of wisdom too spell out these in black and white. Even I chose to swing into the roller coaster of smiles and tears for quite some time. One fine day I felt that the love that I was chasing was also for a few good moments of togetherness and many more of sadness arising from separation from my source of love/happiness. Our source of love or happiness could be a person/ a book/ music/ nature/ etc etc..The love within a person is always in the waiting till there is a stimulus like the above that makes it move. Quite naturally any of the sources that holds good for one is also temporary simply because it will not always be there with you, do you think otherwise??
Why is it then that we choose the temporary over the permanent? For that’s the only source of suffering and hence our cleansing. One more fallacy that we deal with is to try and not believe that these indeed are impermanent. We try and make the mistake of possessing the source which leads to even more misery especially when the source happens to be a living being.In the name of love we call for sacrifices from the many people we supposedly love because if they do not act as per our wish “we will not be happy”.Over a period of time we develop a formula for our happiness and anything that challenges it is unwelcome. May be we should sit back and think how may times in life we very subtly as parents, lovers, friends make our source of love change his choice or at least attempt that. We do this because our sense of permanency (love from that source in certain set circumstances/conditions) seems to get challenged if he/she does not act as per our wish.
When I started watching myself from a distance doing all these scenes of smiling one second and shouting the other, I felt like a puppet in the hands of the situation itself. Quite often we let ourselves behave like a tennis ball being shot between two rackets.
Its not that people do not know this but they are afraid of the awakening, for, not many mistakes of an awakened soul are pardonable.
No wonder that our so called society cannot stand the people who love even after one source has taken heaven’s abode or may be simultaneously love 2 or more.
It is only here that there can be rights and wrongs because something which is permanent does not permit duality.
Temporary..Unpredictable..Uncertain..Pleasures of life..
Many of us must be passing through these phases of happiness, then pain and then pleasure again. I cannot generalize this statement, for, very few of us realize this and even fewer make it vocal. Some practical men choose to ignore it saying it is a waste of their time and energy to mull over such issues (probably the itch caused by the grey cells gets uncontrollable for them)
Well, jokes apart I have been hearing these temporary truths of life from many a sage and some books of wisdom too spell out these in black and white. Even I chose to swing into the roller coaster of smiles and tears for quite some time. One fine day I felt that the love that I was chasing was also for a few good moments of togetherness and many more of sadness arising from separation from my source of love/happiness. Our source of love or happiness could be a person/ a book/ music/ nature/ etc etc..The love within a person is always in the waiting till there is a stimulus like the above that makes it move. Quite naturally any of the sources that holds good for one is also temporary simply because it will not always be there with you, do you think otherwise??
Why is it then that we choose the temporary over the permanent? For that’s the only source of suffering and hence our cleansing. One more fallacy that we deal with is to try and not believe that these indeed are impermanent. We try and make the mistake of possessing the source which leads to even more misery especially when the source happens to be a living being.In the name of love we call for sacrifices from the many people we supposedly love because if they do not act as per our wish “we will not be happy”.Over a period of time we develop a formula for our happiness and anything that challenges it is unwelcome. May be we should sit back and think how may times in life we very subtly as parents, lovers, friends make our source of love change his choice or at least attempt that. We do this because our sense of permanency (love from that source in certain set circumstances/conditions) seems to get challenged if he/she does not act as per our wish.
When I started watching myself from a distance doing all these scenes of smiling one second and shouting the other, I felt like a puppet in the hands of the situation itself. Quite often we let ourselves behave like a tennis ball being shot between two rackets.
Its not that people do not know this but they are afraid of the awakening, for, not many mistakes of an awakened soul are pardonable.
No wonder that our so called society cannot stand the people who love even after one source has taken heaven’s abode or may be simultaneously love 2 or more.
It is only here that there can be rights and wrongs because something which is permanent does not permit duality.
And I thought I did a shoddy job..
And I thought I did a shoddy job...
A week back, I was asked to make a presentation on Change management for an ERP initiative in our organization. Being an idealist that I am I did the groundwork to let the audience understand the basis of change, need for change and normal reaction to change which is that of resistance/ fear/ mistrust and the like. Therefore the thrust of my presentation was to be that of an attitude change and the rest to follow.
After an hour of discussion with the two project managers, I was disappointed that they wanted to ignore the fundamental aspect of change and feared making a mention of the word “resistance to change” and thought it was better to present it in more digestible words...the point being do not talk of things in black and white or do not address the core, just be at the periphery and expect that the rest would happen on its own. When I quoted the Manager on his own examples wherein he wanted people to become pro- active than reactive and wanted them to take ownership of issues, he did not want to talk of “attitude” change as that would mean digressing from the main issue. Much surprised as I was, I then asked them what was expected of me during the presentation and they gladly mentioned some formats to be filled by people and some change management workshops which were to concentrate on technical changes not attitudinal aspects.
I made the presentation as they wanted me to and got lot of appreciation for doing half a job. Often I hear these words “we want your 100% inputs”, “you are here for your intellectual capabilities” and when one uses it to make things better, he is not allowed to because the people at the top are not sure of themselves or are so sure of what they want that no other changes can take place to the thoughts they have framed.
Knowing fully well in their hearts( the people at the top) that what the other person is saying is valid, they do not venture in to and realize the facts much later when it turns into a crisis situation.
One more possibility is that may be these people are not used to confrontations and seldom come across someone who does not easily say “ Yes” just because the other person is a Boss or in a position of authority.
We keep talking of “empowerment”, “participative decision making” and the likes wherein the participation is restricted to sharing the decision already made.
That day when according to me I did a shoddy job, I realized that even if you have the best to offer it can be materialized only when there is somebody who can digest it, accept it and then work on it or even let you work on it.
Another lesson that I learnt, one who is passionate about his work should also know how to best package it to suit the situation…it is indeed difficult to practice.
A week back, I was asked to make a presentation on Change management for an ERP initiative in our organization. Being an idealist that I am I did the groundwork to let the audience understand the basis of change, need for change and normal reaction to change which is that of resistance/ fear/ mistrust and the like. Therefore the thrust of my presentation was to be that of an attitude change and the rest to follow.
After an hour of discussion with the two project managers, I was disappointed that they wanted to ignore the fundamental aspect of change and feared making a mention of the word “resistance to change” and thought it was better to present it in more digestible words...the point being do not talk of things in black and white or do not address the core, just be at the periphery and expect that the rest would happen on its own. When I quoted the Manager on his own examples wherein he wanted people to become pro- active than reactive and wanted them to take ownership of issues, he did not want to talk of “attitude” change as that would mean digressing from the main issue. Much surprised as I was, I then asked them what was expected of me during the presentation and they gladly mentioned some formats to be filled by people and some change management workshops which were to concentrate on technical changes not attitudinal aspects.
I made the presentation as they wanted me to and got lot of appreciation for doing half a job. Often I hear these words “we want your 100% inputs”, “you are here for your intellectual capabilities” and when one uses it to make things better, he is not allowed to because the people at the top are not sure of themselves or are so sure of what they want that no other changes can take place to the thoughts they have framed.
Knowing fully well in their hearts( the people at the top) that what the other person is saying is valid, they do not venture in to and realize the facts much later when it turns into a crisis situation.
One more possibility is that may be these people are not used to confrontations and seldom come across someone who does not easily say “ Yes” just because the other person is a Boss or in a position of authority.
We keep talking of “empowerment”, “participative decision making” and the likes wherein the participation is restricted to sharing the decision already made.
That day when according to me I did a shoddy job, I realized that even if you have the best to offer it can be materialized only when there is somebody who can digest it, accept it and then work on it or even let you work on it.
Another lesson that I learnt, one who is passionate about his work should also know how to best package it to suit the situation…it is indeed difficult to practice.
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